When Bible Study Bites You in the Butt...

The babies and I have subscribed to a bible plan for youth so that we can get in some quality bible time with each other every day. It always surprises me just how much they already know. And I am so thankful for the children's ministry at my church because I know that they have a lot to do with that. 

A big part of me feels guilty because I dropped the ball in that department for the first 10 years of their lives. Alex and Joya had some exposure to Jesus when they were younger but the babies only got Jesus here and there in spurts. So it's very important to me that they get just as much Jesus as I do. And for the most part, it has been going very well. Up until a week ago.

My kids blame me for the break up of me and their dad. And though I have to admit that the breaking part was mainly my fault...when I tried to fix us...their dad didn't want any parts of it. (That's not blog material. That's sit around the table with my girls over coffee material.) Let's just say that I tried fixing us...that I begged him to help me fix us...for five years...but when I finally left...he let the kids believe that it was out of the blue. And I'm okay with that. Or more to the point. I've apologized. To him and to God. It isn't my fault that only one of them has forgiven me. 

Anyway. Shortly after our break up there was someone else. And everyone, including my kids, believed that I had been having this sordid affair all along. I wasn't. But have you ever been in a situation where the truth doesn't matter because it looks like the worst possible situation with the worst possible person to be in the worst situation with at the worst possible time? 

 Ha! I lived there. Actually. I live there. And I'm okay with that too. I've been forgiven for that too. And since God knows my current 911 and mailing address..and though He came in and did a major renovation..He did not evict me nor tell me to be looking for another place. 

Problem is that my kids know my address too. And they don't understand that though I didn't consult God before I moved here..I am in daily communication with God about STAYING HERE. The location is not prime or ideal. It isn't easily accessible to any of the amenities that they were raised with. And a lot of times no matter how I try to spruce it up...from the outside it tends to look run down...and condemned by everyone they know. 

My kids want me to move. Now. They don't understand that I'm staying where I am until God moves me. They don't understand that I am trusting God though I don't fully understand myself. They don't understand that I prayed about moving. And God told me to wait. So. I'm waiting. And trusting that God knows exactly what He is doing.

They don't understand. And they don't care. All my kids know is that I broke a lot of God's rules to live here. That I hurt a lot of people to live here. And they want me to move. NOW! They don't understand that even though moving would be oh so easy, it would also be disobedient. They don't understand that I don't like to wait...or that waiting sometimes hurts me... but God is teaching me and testing me and making me in the waiting.

No. My kids don't understand.

The problem with being honest with your kids is that they know exactly what your sins are. Honesty brings out the tough questions. And when they come across your sins in bible study and they ask you about them...you can't just brush them under the rug. The word of God sheds light on everything. Good, bad. All of it. Even a mother's sins. And it's tough. And it hurts. And it makes you want to just quit. 

Especially since I know that we are only 22 days into a 365 day bible study and we've only just finished the ten commandments. Quitting looks really good to me right now. But it's my job to teach them about Jesus. I prayed that the Lord would keep the fire for Him burning in them. I don't get to stipulate how God answers my prayers. SIGH!

I have no answers that satisfy my kids. They don't understand that I asked God some of the same questions they are hitting me with...that I spent many a nights crying out to Him with these same concerns. They don't understand that I didn't just pick a random spot on a map and decide to live there. I've tried to explain as best I could. But they don't want to hear it. They just look at me with looks that clearly say.."Really, Mom? Really!"...and I want to crawl under a rock and hide. My God is merciful. My children are not. 

And since I can't just quit bible study..I've done the next best thing. I told them to direct all questions, comments, concerns, and complaints about me to God. I told them that He was ready, willing, and able to talk to them about anything that they wanted to talk about. And that He would always be honest and make sure that they understood.

That's all I know to do. That's the best I can do. Honesty failed me this time. So I turn the situation and their questions and their hurt over to God.

Now. I've got to go. It's time for bible study...............