New Year, New Ear?

This is part 1 of a blog I started New Year's day......

Last night I tried so hard to be....sigh....I don't even know what I was trying to be. I just knew that I had to get through the night because my kids were counting on me. I knew that even if I didn't do anything else..even if I couldn't be anything else..I had to be a moma.

I also knew that if I just went through the motions eventually I could go in my room and shut everyone out. And have myself a good God cry.

I don't really know when or where things went wrong. I can not pinpoint any event that made things take a turn for the worse.

Actually the day started off pretty good. I spent a good bit of it singing and thinking about all the things that I wanted to speak over my children. Between college football and talking to the kids and cooking dinner, I pretty much had our celebration all mapped out.

And since I knew the direction I wanted our prayers to take, I called all the kids to me and told them to be thinking about whatever things they wanted to work on in 2014..with God, at home, and at school..and to be prepared to share.

While I was mentally committing my own list to God, I decided to immediately act on one of the things that had been laid on my heart. So I grabbed my phone and made my jump start call. During the course of that conversation I was hit with.."Ohhh! You're not going to church tonight?"

I know that sounds innocent enough but the emphasis on and the tone of that 'oh' and 'you're' struck a nerve. I can admit that my first instinct was to post a scathing status. And I tried.

****The Holy Spirit just will not let me post statuses like I used to. I couldn't count on both hands all the times I've tried to say things on Facebook that get deleted. Or get red marked so badly it looks like the post is crying tears of blood. I just can not come out of my mouth any kind of way any more.****

But even that went fairly well because I was led by the Spirit to post a status that held a very powerful and relevant message. So. I shook the call gone south off and went right back to singing.

Now I had been in my music all day..just letting God minister to me in song. But when my worship songs began to make me feel heavy..when I could feel the quiet coming on me..I changed the music from worship to praise.

You know how that is, right? There are certain songs that just make you want to dance and shout. So. I put those on and for a little while it worked. I was okay. But between songs..you know that little pause..the quiet was lurking.

I fed the kids. I cleaned the kitchen and I went into my room to talk to God for a while. Because by that time I could see the quiet..just tapping it's foot, biding it's time. I cried out.."Lord, I don't think I'm going to make it to midnight!"

This was barely 9pm! I went to the kids and asked if we could pray and toast early. They of course said no. So I went back into my room and I tried holding the quiet off but about 30 minutes later I realized I NEEDED to pray and I NEEDED my kids to pray with me.

I went back into the kitchen and had somebody reluctantly rally the rest of the really-mom-it's-not-even-10-o'clock-are-you-serious troops. I played the I've-been-up-a-long-time card and let the kids assume that I was getting sleepy and couldn't hold out until the clock struck 12. But honestly, I was struggling to fight off a crazy quiet panic.

We toasted each other and our family. We toasted Kolma, Reke, and Aunt Brenda and their families. And then we prayed a very powerful 2013 wrap up and 2014 start up prayer. Then we had yet another toast to the New Year.

I stood there for a few moments basking in the wonder and awe I always feel after the kids pray. But when the tears threatened to spill, I knew they wouldn't be from joy this time. I still felt unsettled..uneasy..off balance.

I finally escaped to my room where I noticed my message indicator blinking on my phone. I really wanted to ignore it but it occurred to me that somebody else might be feeling like me on the inside and I couldn't risk leaving them like that. So. I checked my messages. Anything to put off the quiet a little longer.

What I really wanted to do was throw myself a good old fashioned pity party. I wanted to just pour my heart out to my girlfriend. But I'd already been down that road with God and I wasn't in the mood to get in trouble. So. I just sat there, tears streaming down my face and let my heart break right there before God.

I literally prayed and cried myself to sleep. After I went over and under, in and out, up and down, round and round with God telling Him all the junk that had crept up on me seemingly out of no where.

I got a Happy New Year text about 12:30 am that woke me out of my hard won sleep. I was grateful for the love but at the same time I was pissed because there I was again..wide awake..and hurting.

Just as I was dozing off at about 2:30..I got another text. This one from a loved one needing help. I gave them the little bit of word I could muster up. Which left me feeling worse. Because when someone comes to you for help and love they deserve better than what you can just scrape up.

So. Right back to crying before the Lord I went. But this time I was a little bit upset. And just cranky..or crazy..enough to tell God all about it.

I hit God with some.."God you said if I did this then you would do that"..."I'm doing the best I can and I can't see a thing"..."Why don't you just say no instead of letting me go thru all this mess, God"..."God, I'm tired! I need a hug, some love, a word...some something!"

And again. I prayed and cried myself to sleep.............

(We will pick this up with what the Lord said to me in Part 2!)