The Aloneness.

"But you are not alone. I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart. But you are not alone."

I love, Love, LOVE Micheal Jackson. He is the only man to ever make me just stare at a TV screen, waving a cigarette lighter, singing at the top of my lungs and crying like a baby entranced by every move he made. Michael sang to me. Yes! To me! I know that I never knew him personally but just like Whitney..when I think of him I feel a loss so deep it is almost feels like I lost a part of myself.

I was recently asked how you handled that feeling that you were all alone in the world. And it struck something deep inside me because I could remember living in that aloneness. When "You are not Alone" came out in 1995 I had a life full of people. I even had Alex. But I was so alone that I couldn't hear the song on the radio without it echoing in my heart and mind for hours.

How could it be possible to be surrounded by so many people..yet feel so alone?

I'm sure it had a lot to do with the stress and pain of my then current situation. People close to me had offered to take my baby and raise him as their own so I could stay in school. And though that may have come from a good place in their hearts, I saw it as the biggest slap in the face. How dare they even presume that I would just give my baby away. What made them think that they could care for him or love him better than I? School would always be there, but my baby would be a baby just a few short years. And it seemed that people were judging me for not taking them up on what looked to them like a win win situation.

The aloneness.

I hooked up with a guy that I found out later..in the worst possible way..wasn't available to be hooked up with. And though I can look back now and say that I didn't love him, he was there so he was mine in the moment. But the fact that he was hers. And hers. And hers. And hers...hurt me. In fact, after I walked into his bedroom and saw one of the hers stretched out across his bed..this song became my mantra. I held my baby boy close...and the baby I then had growing inside me...and I let "You are not Alone" just continuously loop through my mind.

The aloneness.

So. I completely understood the question. After the accident. After my fall from grace. I got it. I just was at a loss as to how to explain to her how to cope. Because you can't just tell people "It was God" and they be satisfied with that answer. I mean. That's the truth. It was God. It is God. I couldn't even string two words together right now if it weren't for God. But sometimes people need details. They need personal, painful details to fully understand that there is a way to escape the aloneness. And even in finding a way to reach out to her, to love on her..it took a loooooooot of God. Trust. Even when you come out on the other side, sometimes walking back through it nearly undoes you.

I can't give you the details that I gave her. It took me nearly two days to come out of that thing so I don't think I can relive it for you just yet. But. I can give you the condensed version.

Because when we are deep in the throes of aloneness we are convinced that no one can help us come out of it or even understand...maybe not even God...it gets bigger and louder. Louder? Yes. Louder. Aloneness screams at us. It tells us that we are unworthy, inadequate, unlovable. It piles on lie after lie after lie. And because we have cut ourselves off from our family and friends..our help..we fall for it.

Does aloneness sound like someone that you know? A liar that tends to cut you off from your help? Someone that seeks to undermine and destroy you at every turn? Yea, you see that? Aloneness is just a tactic of the devil. A huge lie that he perpetrates on us.

But the Lord promises us...HE PROMISES YOU AND ME...that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5). When you feel that He is not there with you it is because He has gone before you..He has led you where you are and He will help you (Deuteronomy 31:8). The Lord commands us to never be afraid or saddened by the aloneness because it is not real..He is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9).

I know it sounds strange. But in that aloneness...that isn't really aloneness...take time to listen for God. When it seems like every one and every thing else has cut you off...reach out to God. Because sometimes when our backs are against the wall, when it seems like we have no place to turn or run...we are strategically placed to find the Godness in our aloneness.