Riding Shotgun!

Can I be completely honest with you for a minute without you judging me? Can I tell you the absolute, ugly truth? Will we still be friends when I finish speaking what's on my heart?

I don't know the answers to those questions. And a gazillion others. And the notknowingness is a big part of the horrible secret I need to unburden myself of. I suffer from the inability to relinquish control of situations. I like being in control of what happens around me. Of my children. Of my self. Of my friends. I like to know precisely how things will turn out. So I make every effort to anticipate any problems and have in place a plan A, B, C, and D! I like to do things my way in my time.

Yea...do you see the problem that I have? My God requires that I trust Him completely with my whole heart life at all times. To not trust my own futile plan A, B, C, or Ds. (Proverbs 3:5) YES! My whole life!?! At all times!?!

Some things are easier for me than others. My kids, for instance. I easily surrender them to God when there is a problem. I trust that He will take better care of them than I can. Immediately..as soon as there is a problem. I do not stress, I do not worry. I just dump my children at Jesus' door. I don't even get out of the car. I pull into the yard, put them out, honk the horn, and drive off.

The same can be said of my family, sister/girls, and friends. Problem? No problem! Here, Jesus, handle this for me please. It just comes naturally. I can be talking to someone and they just mention a need or an issue and on the spot I take a mental knee and I pray. They never even know it. The conversation never stops flowing. It is just done. Bam!

But when it comes to myself. And the things that I want. Not so much. Wait. Let me be clear. I trust God to meet all my needs. But there is a big difference between the things that I NEED and the things that I WANT. And that is when I struggle to surrender to God's omniscience. Or more honestly I struggle with the fact that God loves me way too much to give me what I want if it isn't what I need. What if the desire of my heart is simply a flavor of the month? And God already knows all about the next three flavors I will plant in my heart? Whew. I can't believe I admitted that to myself..much less to you.

No, I don't like not knowing what the future holds. I understand that it isn't even my place to know. After all I have been a parent for nearly 20 years. So I get that children don't need the big picture. I get that they do good to focus on one small piece of the life puzzle at a time. I totally get.."because I said so".  But I can't help but struggle with the belief that if I could just somehow know what's just around the bend. I could cope better with life and all that goes with it.

But that's crap and I know it. And God knows it too. I couldn't handle all that truth. I can barely handle the snippets He feeds me now. I sometimes freak out when he shines the light on the easiest of the hard truths. If He hit me with the big guns, we both know that I'd probably pass out. Especially if it doesn't look like I think it should. Say what? Swoon!

Jeremiah 29:11...hands down my very favorite scripture...which is odd seeming that I have my not so little control issues...says, "...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."! I know. I know. That right there should be all I need to know. The Lord knows. I may not know. But the Lord does and there is hope and a future. And God doesn't half step. So I can be pretty sure that whatever God knows is better than the best thing that I could even think up.

When it was time for Jesus to die for you and me..so that we might be saved..Jesus knew the hell that was in store for Him. He KNEW the future. And even though there was that one second where He wanted things to be different, He had so much compassion for us that he said, "Yet not my will, but yours be done."  I wouldn't be nearly as selfless as Jesus. I think if I knew they were coming at me, I'd have called upon every angel in my father's army to ATTACK! I'd have looked at God and said, "Dad are you absolutely positively sure that this is how this thing needs to play out? I don't even know half these people and the ones I do know don 't deserve it." But instead of rallying the troops, Jesus prayed so hard that even with the help of an angel from heaven, he still sweat drops like pure blood. (Luke 22:42-44)

No. I could not handle knowing what God has in store for me. But that is why God is God and I am His child. And not vice versa. I admit..I think that I WANT the control..but there is no way that I could HANDLE the control! And God knows that too!

Jesus take the wheel! PLEASE!